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Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
9:51 PM
don't you love them? the best one i've heard in the last 24 hours goes to "if you want to live, don't leave my side." oh val kilmer. you kill me.
1:10 AM
type " *your name* needs"
first 15 hits:
1. lauren needs attention [maybe should be changed to "wants"]
2. lauren needs attention.... revisited [yes, i need THAT much attention]
3. lauren needs to kick the crack habit [just so long as i can keep the book habit, i'm fine]
4. lauren needs a hotel room [...]
5. lauren needs a myspace [ugh. i have one but i have 2 friends and i only use it to look at people's pictures. facebook is where it's at.]
6. lauren needs to do the same [i don't know about that]
7. lauren needs new friends! [i'll take more, gladly, but i'm quite happy with the ones i've got!]
8. lauren needs a winterball date? [that sounds fun. dress shopping!!]
9. lauren needs to be involved in more stories on the show* [heck yes! more screen time for me!]
10. lauren is an idiot!/lauren needs to work on her self esteem [i'm getting mixed signals from that one.]
11. jack, sharon, mikey and lauren need to go on vacation [not with strangers i don't]
12. lauren needs to learn how to forgive [shocker]
13. why does lauren need someone with her when she is outdoors?/lauren needs constant assurance that we will not leave her alone... [um... i don't want to make jokes. this sounds serious.]
14. lauren needs to post about something completely unpredictable [i'll wager this counts]
15. lauren needs protection after being shot by a deranged fan [if my fans ever get that deranged, i'll let you know]
now you play.
*in case you hadn't noticed/guessed, most of these are about The Hills. or Gossip Girl.
12:54 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"
HT: cleanjoke.com
2:19 AM
construction worker: hey, you're a jets fan, right?
gay restaurant manager guy: oh my gosh, i LIVE for west side story.
1:40 AM
what were your favorites as a kid? my parents didn't really do the whole lullaby thing, but my grandfather used to sing us some lullaby that i to this day think makes no sense. oh well. the fact that i remember it says something, right?
the reason i bring this up is that friday night i babysat for the children of one of my pastors. they are four and two, boy and girl, and they were absolutely angelic. they were sweet to each other, they helped clean up, they went to bed happily and quietly. they were a joy. we laughed and chased each other and made faces and it was fun.
apparently their nightly routine is to brush their teeth, each pick a book, be read to together, be sung to, and then they cuddle up in their bed or crib (depending on which kid we're talking here) with their white noise background, their blankies, and their stuffed toys, and fall asleep. no whining, no "can i have a cup of water?", no kicking or running around naked. the ideal babysitting job.
so they brushed their teeth. and austin went potty. and they picked out their books - clifford and the kitty, and mommies are for counting stars. we climbed onto austin's bed and read them. then i asked, "what should i sing for you?" and they said, "the giant goo goo song!" well i don't know about you, but i, for one, am not familiar with that one, so i said, "i don't know it - pick something else. how about a song from church?" (i figured that was the biggest amount of common ground we could have. little did i know...) austin says, "sing 'life is a highway.'"
so i did.
12:14 AM
her name is kristen, and she just made the following statement:
"i've been practicing touching my eyeball."
the end.
12:57 AM
These are really pathetic. Hopefully Micah won't have any trouble keeping his paws off these....
38. Excuse me, but I may be lost... Can you give me directions to wherever you're going? [...?]
39. Hey I lost my phone number... can I have yours? [Loser.]
40. What's your first name. Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name.
41. Did I see you on the cover of Vogue? [This and any super-model line is way overused and no longer is a compliment.]
42. I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes. [If you're going with a line like this one, see #33. Way less risk of effrontery.)
43. Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea. [Come ON.]
44. Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT! [Shut up. You deserved to be edited out.]
45. I'm sorry, were you talking to me? [No.] Well then, please start. [Rude and cocky not a good combo. Gentlemanly and cocky we ladies can usually handle, but rude and cocky is a recipe for disaster.]
46. You must be one heck of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room. [How shallow are you? And don't you keep that thing under some sort of security system?]
12:29 PM
Per Micah's request, I stopped with the pick up lines for a while. But I still had such great material left that I've decided Micah is a big boy and can exert some self-control. :-P
These are cute. I mean, I don't think you should use them unless you're writing dialogue for a screenplay, but they are cute. Here go you...
31. Hey, come here often? Can I buy you a drink? Or maybe an island?
32. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
33. Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] I looked at you and dropped mine.
34. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Ok, and these are some Roadrunner lines - moving a bit too fast.
35. Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight? [creeeeeepy]
36. Come live in my heart and pay no rent. [If you're already asking this, I'm wondering if there's room in that heart of yours...]
37. Looks like we're late. [For what?] Dinner. Your choice this time; I'm buying. [This one actually isn't bad if you use it with someone you know, who knows you like them and hasn't been averse to hanging out before. Use it on a stranger and prepare to be whapped with a purse.]
12:40 AM
These are a few "Christian" pick up lines. I would love to know if any of them *EVER* have worked...
22. When God made you, He was showing off. [Seriously? Any girl worth her weight in Calvin's Institutes volumes is going to think this line is ridiculously obvious. The same could be said of pine trees or lice.]
23. Do you need help carrying that heavy Bible? [Brilliant.]
24. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither. [Who is this dumb? WHO??]
25. Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot? [Wait, remind me why you're asking for a recommendation from a PERFECT STRANGER?]
26. Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me. [WHAT?? What does that even MEAN? Wouldn't it be a more biblically accurate allusion to say, "Excuse me, I believe you were made from one of my ribs..."? But who would say that? Geez, this one is just awful.
Ok, now for some that deserve a little credit for being clever. [Note: this is NOT the equivalent of a recommendation of usage.]
27. You're so beautiful you made me forget my standard pick up line. [Downside of this sucker is that it sounds like you go around picking up chicks all the time. Then again, maybe you do.]
28. Your good looks don't intimidate me. [If you have to use a pick up line, this one is a good option for several reasons. First, you get the "you're beautiful" out of the way. Second, you establish yourself to be strong and confident. Third, you establish that you have enough bravado to whip out a line like this and enough humor to at least capture her interest. Unless you fall flat on your face.]
29. I'm a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your Booty! Arrrrrrrrrr... [Ok, so this isn't exactly wittiness at its finest, but it's HILARIOUS.]
30. Excuse me, but I DO believe it's time we met. [Simple, direct, and to the point. I actually do endorse the use of this one and variations on the theme, depending on personality. Simple, direct, and to the point is a recipe for greatness in dealing with women - you might strike out alot, but you're striking out because she's not the right girl, not because you're being retarded.]
1:28 AM
Here are a few nice and sleezy lines. Using these may result in the need for a body-cast.
14. Does my tongue taste funny to you?
15. Can I lick that film off your teeth?
16. I think I've just found the angel I'd like to be touched by.
And here are a few that deserve a "huh?" I can't figure out how they are supposed to do the speaker any good whatsoever.
17. What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the day?" [Oh, great, so you're telling me I smell like fish?]
18. So, you're a girl, huh? [Need I say more?]
19. You know, if we cut off your arms you'd look just like the Venus de Milo. [Fantastic - I'm being hit on by an axe-murderer.]
20. Hi, do you speak English? [Yes.] Oh. Me too. [??????]
21. You are not a woman; you are an essence. [What does that even mean? What if I'm the essence of cow poo? Or melty crayons? Seriously, this is retarded.]
2:04 AM
Ok, these are just cheesy. Don't waste your breath on them.
7. Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
8. So there you are! I've been looking all over for you, the girl of my dreams!
9. Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.
10. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
11. You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.
12. Are you lost, ma'am? Heaven sure is a long way from here.
13. Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.
I mean, seriously. There has GOT to be better material.
Like what I'll post tomorrow.
[PS I am SO done with the semester.]
5:59 PM
I'm not pulling sketchy ones in, and I'm not advocating hitting on random girls. Also, I am not advocating random girls replying to pick up lines in a sarcastic and harsh way. On the other hand, if you're using most of these, you deserve it. And if you don't know anything about her, you sure as heck shouldn't be trying to get a date. Pick up lines are typically most successful when she's already your girlfriend, fiance, or wife. From what I know.
Oh, and these are with commentary, advice, and usage tips.
1. "I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?" [Downfall of this line: It kinda sounds like you think she's a hooker, or at the very least the sluttiest slut in town, if EVERYONE knows her address and it's something they hand out to new people.]
2. "You look a lot like my next girlfriend." [It seems like it would be way to easy to slip up and say "last girlfriend." Which, unless you're trying to seduce a woman using only themes found in songs by The Killers, would be a bad call. Furthermore, the set up for the smack down is really putting you in a dangerous position - she can easily shoot back "You look like the creep who hit on me while my boyfriend is in the bathroom" or "You look like my uncle" or "You look like my old philosophy professor" or pretty much anything...]
3. "You're so fine you make me want to go out and get a job." [Need I even say a word? Gentlemen, it pays with the ladies to be gainfully employed or en route to such gainful employment.]
4. "If we were at McDonalds, and you were a hamburger, you'd be the McGorgeous." [Ok, any man who uses this line should be shot, then tried in absentia on CNN so the world can see how incredibly stupid he is. Women do not equal meat. Any analogy or reference connecting the two, except by mastication and digestion, should be eschewed until she's so in love with you she won't leave. And even then, only as a joke.]
5. [In the same vein as #4,] "If you were a laser, you'd be set on 'stunning.'" [Women are not toys. They also do not make people go blind, or make fine cuts in glass, or guard diamonds. Ok, so maybe they guard diamonds. But you need to give her a diamond to guard before you can make that joke.]
6. "Where have you been all my life?" [Now, there are a few rare cases in which this line could be pleasantly disarming - like if you've been hearing about this girl and how perfect she is for you from you best friend and his wife for weeks and you finally meet at a mutual friend's wedding/party/rehearsal dinner/etc. Actually, that's the only time I can think of this line is appropriate, and even then it's risky. She can always shoot back one of the following:
if she's bitter about being single: "Waiting for you; where the heck have you been?" - This one actually could be a good sign. Depends on the concentration of venom laced in her words.
if she's taken: "Watching Jim prepare for the big prize fight on Saturday."
if she's sarcastic: "Learning to laugh at crappy pick up lines like that one."
if she's older than you look: "Well, how old are you?"
if you creep her out: "Successfully avoiding you.... till now, apparently."
The worst thing about this line is that there is no good response for her to give, except to improvise ("Well, let's see, I did spend 12 years of it being a kid and then 7 being a teenager; and then there was college...").]
10:43 PM
let us all pity poor elijah wood. at least he looks pretty cute with the beard.
3:44 PM
item #1: despite my love for bush, i think this is hilarious - "Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soliders were killed in Iraq today. To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed on his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Then he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, 'Just exactly how many is a brazillion?'" (thank you, funny2).
item #2: how worried should i be about this mold growing above my roommate's door? like, should i be calling daily to try to get them to come fix it?
7:31 PM
gross moment of the day: i came home from running errands all excited to eat a salad for dinner because i have this great new balsamic vinaigrette dressing that you kinda make yourself and it's SOOOO yummy and so i'm pulling out the lettuce and the chicken and the carrots and the black olives and i reach into the back for the dressing and... it's FROZEN SOLID. it looked NASTY. so i put it in the microwave to defrost it - after all, it was in a glass bottle. that worked, but then it tasted weird. there are a couple of noises i would associate with it that are hard to spell, but "yelch" and "luh-aau" kinda get close.
2:34 AM
i'm reading the death of death in the death of Christ by john owen right now. it's so gooooooood. and as much as i respect and appreciate john owen, and look up to him and am grateful for the heritage he left, i must confess that sitting down to read his introduction to the book today, i was not expecting him to be so completely hilarious! dude is a scream!!!!
of course, he's also very sound. very deep. very profound. so fun. :)
ok, so here's an example of owen's humor. he's writing about the "use" of scripture by universal salvationists: "Now, concerning this I shall only desire the reader not to be startled at the multitude of places of Scripture which he may find heaped up by some of late about this business (especially by Thomas More in his "Universality of Free Grace"), as though they proved and confirmed that for which they are produced, but rather prepare himself to admire at the confidence of men, particularly of him now named, to make such a flourish with colours and drums, having indeed no soldiers at all..." (41)
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