Pick Up Lines, Part One

I'm not pulling sketchy ones in, and I'm not advocating hitting on random girls. Also, I am not advocating random girls replying to pick up lines in a sarcastic and harsh way. On the other hand, if you're using most of these, you deserve it. And if you don't know anything about her, you sure as heck shouldn't be trying to get a date. Pick up lines are typically most successful when she's already your girlfriend, fiance, or wife. From what I know.

Oh, and these are with commentary, advice, and usage tips.

1. "I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?" [Downfall of this line: It kinda sounds like you think she's a hooker, or at the very least the sluttiest slut in town, if EVERYONE knows her address and it's something they hand out to new people.]

2. "You look a lot like my next girlfriend." [It seems like it would be way to easy to slip up and say "last girlfriend." Which, unless you're trying to seduce a woman using only themes found in songs by The Killers, would be a bad call. Furthermore, the set up for the smack down is really putting you in a dangerous position - she can easily shoot back "You look like the creep who hit on me while my boyfriend is in the bathroom" or "You look like my uncle" or "You look like my old philosophy professor" or pretty much anything...]

3. "You're so fine you make me want to go out and get a job." [Need I even say a word? Gentlemen, it pays with the ladies to be gainfully employed or en route to such gainful employment.]

4. "If we were at McDonalds, and you were a hamburger, you'd be the McGorgeous." [Ok, any man who uses this line should be shot, then tried in absentia on CNN so the world can see how incredibly stupid he is. Women do not equal meat. Any analogy or reference connecting the two, except by mastication and digestion, should be eschewed until she's so in love with you she won't leave. And even then, only as a joke.]

5. [In the same vein as #4,] "If you were a laser, you'd be set on 'stunning.'" [Women are not toys. They also do not make people go blind, or make fine cuts in glass, or guard diamonds. Ok, so maybe they guard diamonds. But you need to give her a diamond to guard before you can make that joke.]

6. "Where have you been all my life?" [Now, there are a few rare cases in which this line could be pleasantly disarming - like if you've been hearing about this girl and how perfect she is for you from you best friend and his wife for weeks and you finally meet at a mutual friend's wedding/party/rehearsal dinner/etc. Actually, that's the only time I can think of this line is appropriate, and even then it's risky. She can always shoot back one of the following:

if she's bitter about being single: "Waiting for you; where the heck have you been?" - This one actually could be a good sign. Depends on the concentration of venom laced in her words.
if she's taken: "Watching Jim prepare for the big prize fight on Saturday."
if she's sarcastic: "Learning to laugh at crappy pick up lines like that one."
if she's older than you look: "Well, how old are you?"
if you creep her out: "Successfully avoiding you.... till now, apparently."

The worst thing about this line is that there is no good response for her to give, except to improvise ("Well, let's see, I did spend 12 years of it being a kid and then 7 being a teenager; and then there was college...").]